legolas by laura: the opera
by Lootushka
Summary: The legendary badfic, now formatted into an opera script!
1. Introduction and cast

**INTRODUCTION**

Welcome, dear readers! As you probably can put 2 and 2 together by reading the title, the following script is the legendary badfic _legolas by laura_ written as a libretto for an opera (or a sung-through musical if opera won't appeal to you that much ;3).

I came up with this idea at a friend's housewarming party. The guest list mainly consisted of artistic geeks of some kind, much like the host herself. As for me, I happen to be a classical music (and especially opera) nerd and a lover of badfics, so at some point I admitted to dreaming of seeing _legolas by laura_ on opera stage someday. And... as everyone already had eaten too much sugar and it was a late evening... They encouraged me to actually make this.

Even though this libretto's still more or less just a practical joke I must admit I enjoyed writing this. And I swear, if I ever manage to gather a proper group I'll do my best to produce this on stage! ;D

**CAST**

- **The NARRATOR,** soprano

- **LEGOLAS, **tenor

-** LAURA,** soprano

-** STRIDER,** baritone

- **GANDALF,** bass

-** The DARK LORD,** bass-baritone

- **The BOSS OF THE ORCS,** baritone

-** LEGOLAS'S MOTHER,** soprano

- **LEGOLAS'S FATHER,** bass-baritone

-** The GARD,** bass

- **FRODO BAGGINS,** tenor

- **The ORC/SERVANT/ARMY CHOIR,** SATB choir of app. 15 singers


	2. Act 1

MILKWOOD, DAY

**LEGOLAS**  
Ah, I love the midday sun  
and how it shines on my platinum hair.  
I am the prince of Milkwood  
and I am soo fabulous.

**NARRATOR**  
Legolas was riding along the woods,  
the green forests of Milkwood.

**LEGOLAS**  
Along the woods—

**NARRATOR**  
- green forests of Milkwood.

**LEGOLAS**  
Oh, my suit of leafgreen shade  
blends beautifully with the colour of woods.  
I am the prince of Milkwood  
and I am soo fabulous.

**NARRATOR**  
The most fabulous prince—

**LEGOLAS**  
- of forests of Milkwood.

_A baby's cry can be heard from behind some kind of a prop: a bush, a rock etc._

**NARRATOR**  
Until one day he found a baby,  
whaped in colth,  
lying in the woodsand, crying.  
So he got off his horse and went to the baby  
forsaken in the woodsand, dying.

**LEGOLAS**  
Who left you here, little one?

_The baby cries again. Legolas picks her up and the crying stops immediately._

**LEGOLAS**  
Your name is going be Laura.

**NARRATOR**  
And then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse  
and went back to the castle where he lived.

THE CASTLE, DAY

**LEGOLAS**  
Father, mother,  
I found this little baby in the woods.

**LEGOLAS'S MOTHER**  
How can people put baby in the woodsand to die?

**LEGOLAS'S FATHER**  
We are going to keep her.

**NARRATOR, LEGOLAS, LEGOLAS'S MOTHER, LEGOLAS'S FATHER, SERVANT CHOIR**  
And then Legolas was happy for someriseing – For no specific riseing – He saved the baby from the woodsand –  
When his elf eyes saw it – And then there was Laura – He was soo happy –  
Soo happy for someriseing.

_Time is shown to pass as Legolas and a couple of servants take care of the baby in various tasks, such as feeding her, bathing her in a small plastic tub, rocking her into sleep in a small cradle etc._

THE CASTLE, MORNING, 10 YEARS LATER

**NARRATOR**  
Ten years have passed since the baby was brought.  
Laura had grown up and she was so cute  
and had even her own roocm.

_Laura wakes up in her bed._

**NARRATOR**  
Golden name and golden hair  
on such a sweet lil' girl.  
And to her brother as well  
a very dear lil' stepsister.

**LEGOLAS**  
Good moring.

**LAURA**  
_(half-heartedly)_  
Good moring too.

**LEGOLAS**  
What's a matter?

**LAURA**  
Legolas, I want to know how to ride a horse.

**LEGOLAS**  
Ok.

_Legolas opens a wardrobe and starts piling dozens of different dresses onto Laura until she's buried in clothes. _

**LEGOLAS**  
First you get dresses and have something to eat -  
_(takes a plastic burger from the closet and places it on top of the clothes)_  
and then we will go for a horse ride lesson.

_Laura selects one of the dresses and changes into it while Legolas gets the horses._

MILKWOOD, NOON

_Legolas is helping Laura to get on her horse. Strider and Gandalf enter, riding in the distance._

**STRIDER**  
Gandalf, I did not know Legolas had a sister.

**GANDALF**  
I did not know aswell.

**STRIDER**  
Well, after all, it's been a long time seen  
since we rode where Legolas lived.

**GANDALF**  
True, true, very true.

**LAURA**  
Legolas, who's that?

**LEGOLAS**  
That is Gandalf and Strdier.

_Strider and Gandalf come closer._

**STRIDER**  
Legolas!

**LEGOLAS**  
Strider, long time seen!

**STRIDER**  
How's you?

**LEGOLAS**  
I am fine.

**GANDALF**  
Who's this then?

**LEGOLAS**  
Meet Laura.  
I found her in the woods when she was just a baby.

_Laura has backed away shyly._

**LEGOLAS**  
Laura, come and meet Strider and Gandalf.

**LAURA**  
Hello, I am Laura.

**LEGOLAS**  
She is the princess.

**STRIDER**  
She is so cute.

**LEGOLAS**  
That will be my falut.

**GANDALF**  
Why?

**LAURA**  
He protects me, that's why.

_Legolas looks up to the sky._

**LEGOLAS**  
I think we should go back to the castle.

**LAURA**  
I can feel it too.

**LEGOLAS**  
Do you want to stay for a night?

**STRIDER, GANDALF**  
Yes please.

MONDOR, EVENING

**NARRATOR**  
So it was a gay day at Milkwood.  
Or so it seemed.  
Mean while at Mondor the Dark Lord was planing to kidnap the princess.  
But not Legolas.  
And he had a good reason for that.

**DARK LORD**  
I plane to kidnap the princess,  
but not Legolas,  
because she got the power  
to distoy me.  
I cannot let that be.

I've got a plan for her  
and that will be the end of the Greenleaf girl.

I plane to kidnap the princess,  
but not Legolas,  
for I cannot let her live.

**BOSS OF THE ORCS**  
I'll get her for you, sir.

**DARK LORD**  
Yes, you can.

**BOSS OF THE ORCS**  
Just count on me, my lord.  
I will make up something.

_The Boss of the Orcs leads the Orc Choir to the kidnapping operation._

**NARRATOR**  
What did the orc boss have in mind?  
It's guaranteed, not anything kind.  
Mean while in Milkwood Legolas did not know  
the orcs were coming down the road  
for in the castle it was  
tea time, what a wonderful English source of joy.

THE CASTLE, EVENING/NIGHT

_Servants serve tea and scones to Legolas, Laura, Gandalf and Strider._

**NARRATOR**  
Tea time, what a wonderful English source of joy!  
Tea time, what a wondrous English joy!

**SERVANT CHOIR**  
Tea time, what a wonderful English source of joy!  
Tea time, what a wondrous English joy!

Please have your seats, gentlemen,  
and taste our home-made scones.  
We reckon they're the best in Middle-Earth.  
Just try!

**STRIDER**  
You're right!

**GANDALF**  
Scrumptious!

**LAURA**  
Would you pass me the sugar, please?

**GANDALF**  
Here you go.

**LAURA**  
Thank you.

**NARRATOR, LEGOLAS, LAURA, STRIDER, GANDALF, SERVANT CHOIR**  
Tea time, what a wonderful English source of joy!  
Tea time, what a wondrous English joy!

**LEGOLAS**  
I hope you have enjoyed this eve.  
It's long time seen when I've got a tea party.

**GANDALF**  
You did so well when you invited us here.  
Your castle's so spacious and tea is so splendid.

**STRIDER**  
Which reminds me: where shall we sleep?

**LEGOLAS**  
My servants will make you beds upstairs.

**GANDALF**  
What about you and Laura?

**LAURA**  
I'll be in my own roocm. It's nice and there's also a window.

**LEGOLAS**  
You'll find me downstairs.  
If you, for example, want to borrow an extra pillow.

**STRIDER**  
That sounds good. I think I'm going to bed soon.

**GANDALF**  
I feel like that too.

**NARRATOR, LEGOLAS, LAURA, STRIDER, GANDALF, SERVANT CHOIR**  
Tea time, what a wonderful English source of joy!  
Tea time, what a wondrous English joy!

_Strider and Gandalf leave for their bedrooms._

**LAURA**  
Good night.

**LEGOLAS**  
Good night too.

_Laura tucks herself into bed._

**NARRATOR**  
Yet, for no reason sensible,  
Legolas felt something was not right during the night.  
Thus, he relied on the Gards.

_The Gard enters._

**LEGOLAS**  
Gard, will you please keep an eye on Laura's room during the night.

_The Gard stands on duty near Laura's bedroom. Behind him, The Boss of the Orcs and the Orc Choir surround Laura without the Gard noticing at all._

**ORC CHOIR**  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.

_The Boss of the Orcs grabs Laura who awakens and starts screaming. The Gard rushes to the room._

**ORC CHOIR**  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
-dor, -dor, -dor, -dor  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
-dor, -dor, -do –dor, -dor  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.

**GARD**  
So lots of orcs!

_The orcs start taking Laura away. The Gard does not do anything to stop them._

**ORC CHOIR**  
The princess, the princess, the princess, the princess  
to Mondor, to Mondor.  
The princess, the princess, the princess, the princess  
to Mondor, to Mondor.  
The princess, the princess, the princess, the princess  
to Mondor, to Mondor.  
We're taking the princess to Mondor.  
-dor, d-d-d-d-or.

_Legolas runs to the room._

**LEGOLAS**  
Tell me where is Laura  
for you were supposed to care for her.

**GARD**  
The orcs took her.

**LEGOLAS**  
What did you say?

**GARD**  
The orcs took her.

MONDOR, NIGHT

**NARRATOR**  
Mean while the orcs were back at Mondor.

**ORC CHOIR**  
Sir, we got him.  
We've got the princess but not Legolas.

**LAURA**  
Put me down.

_The orcs throw Laura on the ground._

**ORC CHOIR**  
Wow, she's really got class.

**DARK LORD**  
Welcome, Laura.

**LAURA**  
No, it can't be.

_Laura tries to escape but the orcs stop her._

**DARK LORD**  
Stop her.  
One does not simply run out of Mondor.  
After all, you will be my guest tonight:  
I've reserved you a locked cell with no light.

Put her into the cell and bet her.  
And also do whatever you want with her  
but do not kill her.

_The orcs drag Laura into a cell and imprison her there._

**NARRATOR**  
Then the orcs took her to the cell  
and trow her into the cell  
and then they shut the door.  
Laura go up and went to the window and looked out  
and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.  
She wouldn't care whether a stranger came or a friend  
but she did prefer if Legolas would come to defend.


	3. Act 2

THE CASTLE, NIGHT

**LEGOLAS**  
Army, assemble now.  
What we will not do?

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Leave Laura at Mondor.

**LEGOLAS**  
What do we want?

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Set Laura free.

**LEGOLAS**  
When do we want it?

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Few hours later.

**LEGOLAS**  
Get your weapons and prepare for a long horse ride.  
We will go soon.

**NARRATOR**  
Mean while, back in the castle of Milkwood  
Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.

**STRIDER**  
Brace yourselves, a fright is coming  
but we will survive the horrors,  
both of the Dark Lord and his underlings  
and we'll kick the Dark Lord's arse.

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Without a fight we won't give her away.  
After all these years she's stayed so cute  
because Legolas has protected her.

**LEGOLAS**  
All her life I've cast my shield before her  
and protected her cute face.  
I won't let her beauty vanish.

**LEGOLAS, NARRATOR, STRIDER, GANDALF, ARMY CHOIR**  
What we want? Set Laura free. When we want? Few hours later. What we wait? Fright from the orcs. Can we fight it? Yes, we can.

MONDOR, NIGHT

_The orcs come into Laura's cell._

**ORC CHOIR**  
She is dangerous.  
She got a fatal power.  
But she's also nice on her lower waist.

**LAURA**  
What do you want from me?

**ORC CHOIR**  
Urge to tie rises.  
Urge to stripe rises.  
Hold her tight.

_The orcs tie Laura up and take some of her clothes off._

**ORC CHOIR**  
Urge to rape rises.  
She's got nice biceps.  
Those precious thighs.  
Hold her for me tight.

_One orc rapes Laura._

**LAURA**  
Go away, you bastard!

_One orc whips her._

**ORC CHOIR**  
Just be still now  
or we'll hurt you.

_The orcs gang up on Laura. The Dark Lord enters, carrying a large tube whose label says "Posion"._

**DARK LORD**  
Don't bet her to death.  
We still must injet into her  
the Posion.

_The Dark Lord, with help of the Orcs, empties the Posion tube onto Laura._

**LAURA**  
I see blood and scars on my body.  
I can only move my right arm  
but not my left  
and then I can't see very well.  
I feel so cold.

Why will nobody save me?  
I wave my hand at the window  
and give the signs I'm here  
but I see no glimpse of Legolas.  
For I can't see very well.

It feels so long ago  
when I last saw Legolas's hair.  
The golden halo on the blonde  
fabulous Greenleaf heir.

Legolas, I miss him.  
My heart feels heavy from longing  
and my tummy goes upside down  
when I think of him  
and that golden halo on the blonde.

**NARRATOR**  
Laura felt helpless and forsaken  
as if everyone had forgot her.  
But mean while at the frount gates of Mondor  
there was Legolas and the others.

**LEGOLAS, STRIDER, GANDALF, ARMY CHOIR**  
Let Laura go.

**DARK LORD**  
No.

**LEGOLAS**  
Right, lisson.  
I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura  
and you and the others will find another way in.

**STRIDER**  
Alright.

**ARMY CHOIR**  
We won't not give in without a fight.  
If you don't let her go—

**ORC CHOIR**  
We don't care.

**ARMY CHOIR**  
We start to kill the orcs.

_A fight between the army and orcs begins._

**GANDALF**  
I'll will go and kill the Dark Lord  
and you and the others go and help Legolas.

**STRIDER**  
Becareful.

**GANDALF**  
I will. Don't you worry about me.

_Legolas speaks to Laura from the outside of the cell door._

**LEGOLAS**  
Laura, are you in there?

**LAURA**  
Oh Legolas, you finally came!

**LEGOLAS**  
Are you alright?

**LAURA**  
No, I am not alright.

**LEGOLAS**  
They bet you up and raped you.  
Also the Dark Lord gave you the Posion.

**LAURA**  
How did you know that?

**LEGOLAS**  
When I was your age  
they did the samething to me.  
I also was abducted,  
bet up and posioned  
and my virginity was taken.

**LAURA**  
Oh Legolas!

**LEGOLAS**  
Oh Laura!  
I wanted to keep you warm  
I wanted to keep you safe  
and I wish they never took you away.

**LAURA**  
Can you get me out of here?

**LEGOLAS**  
Okay, stand back.

_Legolas barges through the door._

**LAURA**  
Wow.

**LEGOLAS**  
You body! What did they do to you?  
Why they did it to you, not me?

**BOSS OF THE ORCS**  
Because she got a power  
and she can distoy us all the bad guys.

_Everybody starts screaming/yelling in terror._

**NARRATOR**  
Then the fright began!

_Legolas shoots arrows towards the orcs. The Boss of the Orcs dies and his corpse is dragged off stage._

**NARRATOR**  
Legolas got out his bow and arrows  
andstarted fireing at them.  
But it was no use  
for the orcs started frightening him back.

_Legolas's army comes and starts a full fight against the orcs._

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Let's kill the orcs.  
We'll will save the princess  
and Legolas, too.

_Strider comes in, holding four or five swords in front of his face._

**LEGOLAS**  
Strider, is that you?

**STRIDER**  
Yes, it is.  
Let's get this party started.

_A fight ensues. Legolas's side quickly gets the upper hand._

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Despite the fright we are not scared.  
No orc nor sword can give us goosebumps.  
Triumph is ours. Triumph is ours.

**DARK LORD**  
_(voice is heard off-stage)_  
You ludacris fools.

_The fighting ceases as the Dark Lord enters._

**DARK LORD**  
Did you think you would bet me?  
She may got the power  
but I control the forces.

_Uses the Force to almost choke Legolas. Luckily, Gandalf comes in and saves the situation._

**GANDALF**  
Just hold your horses!  
Legolas and you others, take Laura out of here.  
I'll will distory the Dark Lord.

_Legolas, Strider and the army retreat, taking Laura along. The Dark Lord tries to run after them._

**DARK LORD**  
Get her for me.  
I planed on her killing for weeks.

**GANDALF**  
_(casts himself between the Dark Lord and the army)_  
You shall not pass.  
I am have a fun time trying to distory you.

_Gandalf and the Dark Lord start dueling._

**ARMY CHOIR**  
Say G, say A, say N.  
Say D, say A, say L.  
Say F, it's Gandalf but not elf.  
He is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark Lord.  
Gandalf is such a pro. The Dark Lord's such a ho.

**GANDALF**  
I wish Merry and Pippin  
and Frodo and Sam was here.

_A sword is thrown on the stage._

**FRODO BAGGINS**  
Some wished us here.

**GANDALF**  
Frodo Baggins, why are you doing here?

**FRODO BAGGINS**  
We came to help you  
and also we got rid of the ring.

**DARK LORD**  
Oh no!

_Gandalf uses powerful magic: one gigantic flash of light and the Dark Lord is destroyed._

**ARMY CHOIR**  
We won.  
Laura is saved and so is Milkwood.

**NARRATOR**  
Fantastic victory.  
But all was not well in the kingdom.  
The Posion had begun to affect  
and Laura was suffering.

_Legolas lays unconscious Laura on a stretcher. Strider covers her with his own cape._

**LEGOLAS**  
We must go to Rivendell to get Laura better.

**GANDALF**  
I think you are right.

**NARRATOR**  
And then they turned around  
and went to Rivendell.  
Miles of rideing, few hours of walking,  
and Laura was sleeping… Or so they hoped.

RIVENDELL, MORNING

_Laura, still unconscious, is laid on a bed._

**NARRATOR**  
It was few hour later  
and Laura still was bruning up.  
Her face was pale  
but her skin on fire  
like after drinking too much ale.

**STRIDER**  
She is getting wose.

**LEGOLAS**  
I know.  
Will you please now leave us.  
I'll will tell you when she wakes up.  
Intill that, I'll will stay at her side every day.

Please wake up, Laura.  
I don't know if you can hear me  
but since that day I found you whaped  
and lying in that brownish woodsand  
your eyes have been the leafgreen shade  
that blends so well with colour of the woods.

If you opened your eyes one more time  
just let me see that forest-coloured shine.  
Please don't be dead, Laura.  
Please, wake up, angel of mine.

_Laura wakes up._

**LEGOLAS**  
Laura.

**LAURA**  
Legolas.  
Thank you for saving me.

**LEGOLAS**  
That's ok.

_Legolas kisses Laura. They embrace._

**LEGOLAS**  
Are you alright?

**LAURA**  
Yes I am.

**LEGOLAS**  
I am soo happy.

**LAURA**  
Do you want to be my boyfriend?

**LEGOLAS**  
Yes, I will be your boyfriend.

_The couple kisses again._

**LAURA**  
What happened to me, Legolas?

**LEGOLAS**  
You got kidnaped by the orcs  
and they raped you  
and also bet you almost to death  
and then the Dark Lord gave you some Posion.

**LAURA**  
Why I can only move one arm?

**LEGOLAS**  
Your left arm is broken.

_Strider comes in._

**LAURA**  
Hello, Strider.

**STRIDER**  
I see you are awake.

_Everybody freezes into a still image and the music ends abruptly._


End file.
